This is a coincidence. I am picking up from where Alu left in the previous post where he was talking about different computational techniques, and as it turns out, I am working on a problem in molecular dynamics (powered by Fortran 90). Got terribly bored of it and decided to write down my thoughts. I am not going to talk about physics (need a break, this semester has been particularly taxing).
It has been almost one and a half years since we have completed out masters, and, the idea of doing a PhD from a university in Europe or the US seemed so alluring then. It was like a dream come true for all of us who wanted to do this and eventually succeeded. Imagine all the facilities, independence, exposure, blah blah .....wow ....I still remember the thrill I experienced and how overwhelmed I was when I read the email that said that you have been accepted and your acceptance letter will reach you soon.
Within a few months, I came to the US. Excited about the beginning of a new life, a bit worried, a little scared, with a mixed bag of emotions I started my life here. It took time to get used to way people talk here, how they react to situations, how you are expected to react to a certain situation, it was a learning curve, very exciting. To add to the excitement came the money factor. I was no more dependent on my parents. I am making enough to live a decent life.
With time you get used to everything around you, the expensive food, clothes, people from all ethnicity, crazy weather, and then one day you realize that all the excitement of moving to a new country has faded away. The honeymoon period is over. The course work pressure keeps building and to top it off you guide keeps expecting more and more from you (and if you are not doing well enough, high chances you get yelled at). I am lucky to have a very understanding advisor, so the this in not an issue with me.
I have crossed this phase, and now that I think of it and analyze my situation, what am I doing here? I am working towards a PhD in a distant land from mine, away from my family, friends, relatives! Look at the situation like this-Let me assume I live for 60-70 years. I have already spent 5 years away from home while I was doing my bachelors and masters. Another 5-6 years to complete my Phd (hopefully), a couple of post-docs (or else just a phd will lead to no where). If I sum it all up,a good 15 years outside family. Now let me assume my parents live till they are 65-75. This means that the maximum duration I can be with them from another 25 odd years (approx), and I the fact that I cannot return home in another 10 years is decided. The reason I am saying this is because now there is no way I can escape the cycle of entering a PhD program and completing my post-docs. Probably I can escape, but I don't think I have to courage! This means, if I go back to India in another 10 years (earliest possible), I would have already spent 1/5th of my life outside my country, and 1/2 of the remaining time I could have spent with my parents (in their lifetime) would be wasted.
I have been thinking about this for quite a while now, but did not know who to share it with. I do not know if such thoughts mean I am going insane, crazy. Am I the only one thinking like this? I am a typical Bengali from a middle class family with lot of strings attached. I am not an american, and I cannot think like them and live like them. I cannot leave my home and not worry about how my folks are! I cannot pretend to be happy when I am not. I cannot bear the fact that my family is missing me. I want to be by my father and help him with the regular household stuff. I want to be with my mother and talk to her about my lows and highs. I want to be with my sister and be her older brother and protect her as she is growing. I do not think sending money and talking over the phone can be called 'looking after your parents'. I see Indian people around me who take great pride in their possessions, and all they have achieved since they landed in America. I see how they complain about how bad the situation in India is, about how the work culture is not good, about how they could never make this much money if they stayed there, about how comfortable life is here, but what they do not realize is how much they are missing out!
I feel I am stuck here. I do not have the courage to quit what I am doing now and start something else all over again. I do not know how others in India would react if I go back without achieving what have I set out for. Will I be called a 'failure'?
and so the question is 'Is it worth it ?'
Strangely, my dear Sayan, I also feel the same way. I won't write a lot about it, becoz ur words echo my thoughts. Let me add something else.
ReplyDeleteProbably, all of us who are doing a PhD have one thing common. We don't want to be like ordinary people, people who just live for food, salary, and dies, and no ones remembers them when they go away. Probably all of us want to make some difference in life, want to learn, take every bit out of it, live at our own wish, and in Vivekananda's word "doing something worthwhile as a human". And I guess most of us would be successful in doing it.
But sadly, everything has its own cost. And people, like us, who wants to make difference in life, are terribly alone. It really takes a hell lot of devotion for doing this, and which means you can't spend the required amount of time with your family.
I, personally speaking, I can't just think of living a normal life, where I would just wake up in the morning, and go to bed with my wife (probably!!) in the night everyday doing same mundane job, and end up my life in that way. I have always loved adventures and uncertainties, and played with life and risks, and idea of a normal life just frustrates me. Probably after going back to India, I won't even stay in faculty position for very long time for this reason, as I always look for change and new things around me. I think all of us does the same.
My dear Sayan, I don't wanna advice you, but I have a question towards you "would you be able to live that normal life?". Every decision has its yes and no's. If we want to get back to the little and great joys of normal life, we have to abandon the thrill or fun of doing something new, contributing something (ahem, though, for myself, I don't hope to do that big). For me, I'd try to finish my doc asap, and get back to country.
Someone told me long back "Ignorance is bliss", I still remember that sometimes.
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteI think Sayan has said it all. We are stuck here. We can never be like these people. Life here is so different, people don't care about their parents. The moment they cross some age they almost desert their families. They treat them the same way as they treat friends. Visit once a year for Christmas and thats it. And this is the same we are forced to do here. We can't go home for every festival..share our joy with our family. In my case if you see, my borther's marriage is fixed, and I had to beg my Prof. for a leave. That was not too hard but still, Its like slowly we are turning to be like people here. I can go home only once a year or sometimes twice at max.
I also agree with what sourav has said. But on my part I want to get out of this vicious circle asap. I dont want to become a big scientist ..atleast in my case where my work is theoretical physics..I dont need big equipment ...or stuff like that..I just need a computer..and a cluster sometimes..which are present in some good institutes in India aswell. So, I will go back after a postdoc may be.
One more thing..I wanted to say...Instead of we thinking that we should achieve something great in our lives. make a big name in our field. We should go back to India..with all we have got..try to bring a small change if not a big one....help setup some lab...with all knowledge we got...and help the future generation ..to stay back in India....help them realize their dreams..staying in India..with their families..I think thats the best we can do....
I think this is quite possible. We all need to work together. Take help of our friends in different fields...I have friends in almost every field. Things back home are also changing....I think if we can take the help from the right ppl. we could make a difference. I think instead of just cursing the system...we should make on our part an effort to change the system.
If you see why we all have come here is either there are good labs..or they handsomely pay us. So, the only solution is to go back and try to make a difference!!!
Ravi, u just said the words from my heart. Why we have to come here to get this education, becoz we lack them there in India. So lets make some difference, so that our future generation doesn't have to leave their country like us, feel the pain. Probably the first thing to be achieved is economical independence, and education for all. Yes, things are slowly changing back there, but when we would go back, we have to accelerate it, by staying within the system, and by motivating the change.
ReplyDeletehey sayan,
ReplyDeleteur feeling just relects the condition of a sound rather a normal human's heart.
so its no strange these kind of thoughts came across ur mind.
everybody wants to make it big in their profession.....
but for me i would leave a job, paying me what i would ever imagine, if that job demands me to live away from parents permanently...
i completely agree with what Ravi has said,
being a wise person is good but its of no use untill and unless it helps someone to be a woser one.
i hope u guys might have heard 'teach india' and some programmes goin in India to educate the poor/village kids. and to ur surprise the faculty comprises of students from IITs/IIMs and professional from co. like Mckinse/Morgan stanley etc.
these guys have left their job just to teach for 20k/month salary.
so,if we want to do......we can do a lot of thing.but ppl always search for HIS pleasure and comfort...they want to climb the peak but thats of no use......until u r helping others to climb also....
Thanks guys for reading my post. Its nice to know that all of us are together with our thoughts. I appreciate the idea of attempt to help others develop with our knowledge and experience. I think we are blessed with the opportunity to study and learn as much as possible and we owe it to our country, our family, our society for all the help, support, infrastructure and it is important for us to give back to our country and society and family and help each other develop more for a better future. We should not be money making machines. I will grasp any chance to go back to India after I complete my education here and help the future generation, so that I can tell myself before I die that "my life was worth it", and it was not for nothing that I took all the pain of staying away from my family.
ReplyDeleteSince Sayan posted this discussion last week I have been thinking a lot about this....
ReplyDeleteSayan's last post really captured my word's.....well almost. Guys i feel that we must return back to our country one day, but at the same time I would really like it to be my "choice" not compulsion ....What I mean is that we are among a handful (ahem) of Indians who got this opportunity to learn from the best in the feilds. Lets make the best of it and go back knowing that we could go anywhere in this world and be outright accepted as a leader in our fields. I know that our parents made a greater sacrifice by letting us go abroad. Don't we own them this much to try our best ! Shall their sacrifices (as well as ours) go in vain. I don't know about the others but I can cetainly say that I dont really earn that much as to call it a leasurely life. Guys, we knowingly or unknowingly are being molded into hard workering men. Compared to some of my friends back home I can say I certainly know more about cooking now than ever :-) . Life is hard boys , lets make it worthwile.